without borders, without politicians

so i kind of broke down last night as i was driving home from work. it had been a long day and i wasn't feeling very good (still not) and i just had myself a good cry. then i took a really hot, long shower when i got home and mar gave me a piece of apple pie and i felt a little better. and since this is somewhat free therapy, i shall try to put into words what is on my mind...

i am so nervous about going back to school. i can't figure out why i am so scared about being in school for one more year. i love fox. i have friends who are as close as family at fox. i actually am capable of being a good student and really excelling this year without any life-consuming ministries. maybe it's just because i don't really know where my place is. maybe it's because even though i say i don't care, i really am worried about what people will think. it's embarrassing to have walked and not actually graduated. to have said goodbye and then to say, "just kidding." i don't know what it is. but i keep thinking about freshman year and moving in and all sorts of things that i haven't thought about in such a very long time. it's a very weird place for me to be in... nervous about school.

then there's the other thing. the money thing. when i was first praying about what to do this next year, god had promised that everything would be fine and i knew that this indeed was the place i needed to be for this next year. sure i thought about the fact that i would be taking out a loan, but i had such faith that everything would be fine. that's how i've always felt about finances... taking big steps and even risks because i knew god would take care of it. i knew that god wouldn't ask me to do something without providing for me. but now it's like i am losing my faith when it comes to money. i hate to say it, but it wasn't until after i talked to my parents about it that i started being obsessed with the money part of next year. i can't even put into words how grateful i am that they payed for school. i even understand how they feel because they have attained great financial stability and they are really enjoying their lives right now. and it's good! god is blessing them like crazy. but now all i can think about is money. am i being realistic or am i being a big doubter? it's driving me nuts crazy.

then there is that last thing. i talked to my brother on the phone last night and he gave me some great news! he is going to be working as the leader of the junior high and high school guys at a church in eugene. super excited for him! but WHAT?!? i have gone to school for this very thing for the last four years. my cousin has been a youth pastor in grants pass for awhile now. what the heck is going on? i am so happy for them, but why the heck am i going to school in the first place? i mean, i didn't graduate because i couldn't find a youth group to intern at (well, that and the lack of enough credits). i love my church so very much and i feel so at home there and so like i am supposed to be there. but should i switch churches just to get a youth group. what the heck is going on?

that's about it. if anyone has anything to say, i would appreciate hearing it. if not... at least i feel a little bit better about everything that is going on.
deep breaths