challenge what the future holds

how can you look at this and not just sigh contentedly?

always have to steal my kisses

i had a ten minute conversation about soup with someone at work yesterday. the only thing that came from this conversation was that i cemented my position as the "crazy one."


i can't help it... i love soup!

but now you have got indigestion

this post is for stace, per request

the following are things that give me hope for bridgeport:

i saw a man wandering around with a cup of coffee and no shoes.
i saw h. dave and melva brandt. h. dave was wearing a casual sweater.
jack johnson is playing over the loudspeakers.

dancing in september

it has been so long since i've blogged that i am almost nervous about starting up again. i actually have been emailing myself for the last couple of weeks with things that i ought to blog about... don't laugh, i'm not the only one who emails myself. but i will just start with today, since it's happening right now...

it's raining today and i couldn't be more happy! i love the rain... especially when it's on and off, downpouring one minute and calm the next. i love the smell and the crisp, cool air in the evenings. i love that when i go to bed, my pillow is cold. soup for lunch and warm oatmeal for breakfast. i found a picture today of a llama in the rain.

seeing this today is the only thing that could possibly make this day better.

now about work...

kids in pirate hats using the play structure as a pirate ship. loitering teenagers turning into incredible artists as they showcase their poi dancing. bernard asking me about half-licker brian (i might have told too many people about the wonder boy who can't clean a spoon). chatting with the woman who walks her dog through everyday. looking forward to the winter wonderland coming the day after thanksgiving.

school...

doing all of your homework and turning in papers on time is hard work. i am so tired from all the homework. working and living off-campus is an entirely different experience, and one that has me very tired out. it's hard sometimes to still be so passionate about this school and the students but be so removed. last year i really felt as though god had some things to say through me to the women and it was nice to have the authority that came with my position to speak into their lives. but this year i really don't know where to be involved or how i can continue to love on the girls and speak the truth of freedom into their lives. god and i have been doing some serious chatting about that. but this first month has been so enriching and i have just been so struck with the hunger and compassion and familial love on this campus. i also love brennan manning.

church...

i think i have a crush on a 3 year old. this little boy is seriously the most beautiful child i have ever seen! i can only pray that my children will be this beautiful. but he is so precious and he cracks me up when i get to work in the 3's room. a couple of weekends ago i worked a service and we had so many kids... it was chaos and i just had to laugh the whole time because the kids were out of control. running around the room, waving their arms, giggling and shouting, "we're having so much fun!" i was a little troubled during group time, though, when the leader talked about noah. the kids were not in a place where they could sit and listen, but she kept telling them to sit down and be quiet... for 10 minutes. i wanted to tell her that this was not the best time, but she is the leader of the room. but then she talked about how noah was a good man and i got to thinking... noah kind of screwed up in the end. god doesn't just love us for being good people. if that was the case i would be in a world of hurt. oh, curriculum for 3 year-olds. in the end i found a toy boat and had the kids pile all the plastic animals into it. great fun.

apartment...

so i have a little corner now where my air mattress lies. it is an interesting thing... sleeping on an air mattress for a prolonged period of time (mari is my hero). at first i wasn't sleeping too good, but now i am warming up to it. a couple of weekends ago we had a lazy day. i cannot even tell you how much i needed this. i slept on the couch the night before and woke up around 10. it was like heaven. then mari, melissa, and i hung out in our pajamas and watched cartoons. it was so nice... and so needed.

family...

i went to reno with my family this last weekend. here is how i will sum up the weekend... eating, playing mini golf, watching airplanes. we also watched the ducks game and grandpa cried because he was so happy. let me tell you... multiple heaters, in one hotel room, watching our favorite college football team beat a team they have never beat, playing a crazy game in the last ninety seconds, is an intense way to spend an afternoon. the air races were fantastic (as usual). my favorite plane didn't get to race but i made do with the thunderbirds. i used to really enjoy watching them, but had a hard time this year because they are so very much "the most capable and powerful force in the world." so much of proud to be an american. i just kept thinking about what our powerful force is inflicting on people all over the world. but enough about that.

probably the longest blog ever. thanks for reading... if you made it, give yourself a treat. listen to your favorite song. take a warm shower for no reason. bake banana bread. put your feet up on the table. have a good night.

you're the one i want to hear

i have recently been appreciating the benefits of being in full health. you see... when you are sick sick sick it is very easy to think about being well. i actually used an entire box of kleenex while on an airplane. poor woman sitting next to me. you know you're in trouble when you blow your nose and it wakes someone up. on a plane? yep, i was on an airplane on wednesday returning from a delightful trip with my family. we were in san diego from saturday to wednesday and i have decided that i just love san diego!

we did a little bit of this:

we saw a few of these:

it was such great fun! i would go on, and perhaps i will later tonight. but for now, i am going to head over to the school and visit some very busy people. school starts on monday. am i excited? yes, very much so! am i nervous? yes. there are a lot of people who don't know that i am coming back for another year. it might be rather awkward. but hey, that's my life!

suddenly i see

phrase to incorporate into everyday life:

"the bounce is gone from his bungee"

thank you wallace and gromit

her face is a map of the world

yesterday i saw a very small child lick his hands and then straighten his hair.

it was terribly funny.

i also ate some watermelon last night and giggled as the juice ran down my face.

i love summer

tribal drumming

i was walking from my car to my apartment this afternoon and i heard music.

it was so refreshing.

at first i didn't hear anything.

then an alarm clock started going off. a siren started in the distance. someone bottomed-out over the speedbump. a bird sang.

it was the best song i've heard in a long while.

elevator music, elevator music, elevator music... ahhh

three things to ponder

number one: why is it that all the super awkward adolescent boys at bridgeport have super fashionable, tall, pretty girlfriends?

number two: why is it socially unacceptable to wear a pirate hat to work?

number three: why have i never been to the enchanted forest if it only costs nine dollars and promises a day full of fun and surprises?

without borders, without politicians

so i kind of broke down last night as i was driving home from work. it had been a long day and i wasn't feeling very good (still not) and i just had myself a good cry. then i took a really hot, long shower when i got home and mar gave me a piece of apple pie and i felt a little better. and since this is somewhat free therapy, i shall try to put into words what is on my mind...

i am so nervous about going back to school. i can't figure out why i am so scared about being in school for one more year. i love fox. i have friends who are as close as family at fox. i actually am capable of being a good student and really excelling this year without any life-consuming ministries. maybe it's just because i don't really know where my place is. maybe it's because even though i say i don't care, i really am worried about what people will think. it's embarrassing to have walked and not actually graduated. to have said goodbye and then to say, "just kidding." i don't know what it is. but i keep thinking about freshman year and moving in and all sorts of things that i haven't thought about in such a very long time. it's a very weird place for me to be in... nervous about school.

then there's the other thing. the money thing. when i was first praying about what to do this next year, god had promised that everything would be fine and i knew that this indeed was the place i needed to be for this next year. sure i thought about the fact that i would be taking out a loan, but i had such faith that everything would be fine. that's how i've always felt about finances... taking big steps and even risks because i knew god would take care of it. i knew that god wouldn't ask me to do something without providing for me. but now it's like i am losing my faith when it comes to money. i hate to say it, but it wasn't until after i talked to my parents about it that i started being obsessed with the money part of next year. i can't even put into words how grateful i am that they payed for school. i even understand how they feel because they have attained great financial stability and they are really enjoying their lives right now. and it's good! god is blessing them like crazy. but now all i can think about is money. am i being realistic or am i being a big doubter? it's driving me nuts crazy.

then there is that last thing. i talked to my brother on the phone last night and he gave me some great news! he is going to be working as the leader of the junior high and high school guys at a church in eugene. super excited for him! but WHAT?!? i have gone to school for this very thing for the last four years. my cousin has been a youth pastor in grants pass for awhile now. what the heck is going on? i am so happy for them, but why the heck am i going to school in the first place? i mean, i didn't graduate because i couldn't find a youth group to intern at (well, that and the lack of enough credits). i love my church so very much and i feel so at home there and so like i am supposed to be there. but should i switch churches just to get a youth group. what the heck is going on?

that's about it. if anyone has anything to say, i would appreciate hearing it. if not... at least i feel a little bit better about everything that is going on.
deep breaths